Inspiration is something that is internal to ones own mind and soul. Some people can put things down on paper, other can write music, or paint a beautiful picture, but in some way they have to be inspired by something.
The last few days I've been listening to a remixed song by Teddybears called 'Still Alive', originally written by Lisa Miskovsky. The original song is the theme for the new game 'Mirrors Edge' by EA, and let me tell you that the song coupled with the dynamic imagery of the game is something I find inspirational. Now lately that's a rarity for me. Unfortunately I mostly find inspiration internally, and usually keep it that way hidden from the rest of the world. Opening up your soul for the world to see is a difficult act for an introvert such as myself. I don't particularly like human beings because of all the problems associated with them. I really find no value in what we produce because most of it is self serving, or meant to distract someone else from the goings on of the world around them. I find no real solace in the average trappings of the human social constructs. At one point I was a social animal, going to parties, hanging out with friends, and being a generally happy cat. Since starting a full time job, I've become more withdrawn, secluded, and less than happy. I haven't really discovered what it is I want from life, or at best I've ran out of goals I set out for myself. I have a decent job ( that I dislike thoroughly), a family (whom I do love deeply), a home (as messy as it is), and enough money to do most of the things that I like. So what's the problem? There's not a whole lot that's kept me inspired. The last time I really felt truly alive is when I was driving an armoured patrol vehicle in a war zone. The prospect of dying usually keeps one engaged in keeping alive. So why can't I have this level of engagement at home. After the tour the Army headshrinker said I was going to experience a bit of boredom, but I honestly didn't think it would last this long. So I need to find a way to become inspired once again. I have this feeling that individuals who become suicidal start out this way, loosing their lust for life as it were. Don't misconstrue that statement though, for I am far from suicidal, just bored.
So where to find inspiration? It's out there waiting, but it seems to be running from me, just out of my grasp as it were. Sometimes I'll drive fast in the city to get my blood pumping, and occasionally I'll feel the need to get into a fist fight with someone, but those are both inherently dangerous and menacing not only to myself but to the general public as well. I really don't need to watch my kids grow up while sitting in a jail cell. I've thought about writing a book, but my thoughts are like a TV with it's channels being changed quickly. I'm surprised I can concentrate long enough to get through writing a blog. So a book is out, although I'll likely keep trying. My religious practices are most private, and anything inspirational from that is kept wholly attributed to that. I do a minute amount of volunteer work, but time is a precious commodity in my life, so I can't do that as much as I would like.
So what? Where is the spark at? I need to feel alive again and break out of this rut, because I'm already feeling the effects of boredom seeping it's way into my soul. I'm tired all the time, and listless. I have a short temper which I'm learning to reign in once more, but that's taking a lot. And any patience I had for people has pretty much been lost.
If anyone out there has an idea about how to get out of this rut, please let me know.
Freeman
The last few days I've been listening to a remixed song by Teddybears called 'Still Alive', originally written by Lisa Miskovsky. The original song is the theme for the new game 'Mirrors Edge' by EA, and let me tell you that the song coupled with the dynamic imagery of the game is something I find inspirational. Now lately that's a rarity for me. Unfortunately I mostly find inspiration internally, and usually keep it that way hidden from the rest of the world. Opening up your soul for the world to see is a difficult act for an introvert such as myself. I don't particularly like human beings because of all the problems associated with them. I really find no value in what we produce because most of it is self serving, or meant to distract someone else from the goings on of the world around them. I find no real solace in the average trappings of the human social constructs. At one point I was a social animal, going to parties, hanging out with friends, and being a generally happy cat. Since starting a full time job, I've become more withdrawn, secluded, and less than happy. I haven't really discovered what it is I want from life, or at best I've ran out of goals I set out for myself. I have a decent job ( that I dislike thoroughly), a family (whom I do love deeply), a home (as messy as it is), and enough money to do most of the things that I like. So what's the problem? There's not a whole lot that's kept me inspired. The last time I really felt truly alive is when I was driving an armoured patrol vehicle in a war zone. The prospect of dying usually keeps one engaged in keeping alive. So why can't I have this level of engagement at home. After the tour the Army headshrinker said I was going to experience a bit of boredom, but I honestly didn't think it would last this long. So I need to find a way to become inspired once again. I have this feeling that individuals who become suicidal start out this way, loosing their lust for life as it were. Don't misconstrue that statement though, for I am far from suicidal, just bored.
So where to find inspiration? It's out there waiting, but it seems to be running from me, just out of my grasp as it were. Sometimes I'll drive fast in the city to get my blood pumping, and occasionally I'll feel the need to get into a fist fight with someone, but those are both inherently dangerous and menacing not only to myself but to the general public as well. I really don't need to watch my kids grow up while sitting in a jail cell. I've thought about writing a book, but my thoughts are like a TV with it's channels being changed quickly. I'm surprised I can concentrate long enough to get through writing a blog. So a book is out, although I'll likely keep trying. My religious practices are most private, and anything inspirational from that is kept wholly attributed to that. I do a minute amount of volunteer work, but time is a precious commodity in my life, so I can't do that as much as I would like.
So what? Where is the spark at? I need to feel alive again and break out of this rut, because I'm already feeling the effects of boredom seeping it's way into my soul. I'm tired all the time, and listless. I have a short temper which I'm learning to reign in once more, but that's taking a lot. And any patience I had for people has pretty much been lost.
If anyone out there has an idea about how to get out of this rut, please let me know.
Freeman
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